What Do You Really Want?
by eloquentgraffitti
Summary: Post 9*24. April experiences some growth and has some epiphanies while Jackson struggles to come to his own realizations.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of the characters.**

There was once a time when Jackson Avery knew everything there is to know about April Kepner. But within the span of six months, two weeks and nine days, quite a few things had happened in April Kepner's life that Jackson Avery was still in the dark about. Because April Kepner and Jackson Avery, once best friends and former lovers, had stopped talking to each other. Well, that's not quite accurate. They _did_ talk to each other, out of necessity, during surgeries and post ops, and during lunch, just to keep appearances up. But full length conversations and light hearted banter, which had almost always been a norm between the two, had stopped abruptly, all of a sudden, out of the blue.

Except what looks out of the blue to any outsider may not be what's true. Because what transpires behind closed curtains will stay behind closed curtains, and _that_ story is one only Jackson Avery and April Kepner knew about. One dark and stormy night , soaked head to toe from the lashing rain outside and looking like a broken rag doll, April Kepner had stood across from an injured Jackson Avery and bared her heart to him; had asked him to give her a reason not to marry another man. Ultimately, Jackson's answer had meant only one thing: that they could only ever be friends. And knowing that that would have been the first step in digging her own grave; being around him would be unbearable without being able to be _with_ him, April had said no. They couldn't be friends, not anymore. And that was that.

So six months, two weeks and nine days had gone by, and Jackson still didn't know that there was only a week to go till April moved away from Seattle for good. Like stated before, a lot had happened during those six months, and that's where this story begins…

For the first three months, she missed Jackson terribly. On her hardest days, on the days that people would die on her operating table, and on the days when she desperately needed someone to talk to, she missed him so much it was a dull ache in her heart. And then on the days when she encountered an especially funny situation, when she wanted _him_ to laugh with about the irony that is life, she would almost instinctively turn to her side while sitting alone at Joe's, expecting to find Jackson there looking at her with a twinkle in his eye, and then turn back into her drink, her heart dropping in her chest like a heavy stone.

On the fourth month, the day after she found out she passed her boards, she'd had an awakening. She didn't know whether it had anything to do with the boost in self confidence she'd received with the passing of her boards, maybe that little sense of victory was just the push she needed, but that day, she woke up, and decided _enough_. Enough with the wishing, and the hoping that he might still come after her and tell her what she needed to hear. She would still miss him, there was no way for her to stop herself from missing him. But what she _could_ do was stop hanging onto a ray of hope that may never shine. It wasn't doing her any good, it was only making her sink deeper and deeper into a hole of depression she wouldn't be able to climb out of. Looking back, she reckoned it was just in time as well, because shortly after that, she'd received the biggest blow to her heart yet. If she had still been wallowing in a well of misery over Jackson by the time she received the call from back home in Moline….well, she didn't want to think about what that would have done to her.

On June 9th 2013, at precisely 3.53AM she had woken up to the shrill sound of her phone ringing. Twenty minutes later, her shaking hand had quietly placed the phone back in its cradle only to pick it up again to call Dr. Owen Hunt, chief of surgery at Grey-Sloan Memorial. Through quiet sobs, she had told him that her father had been diagnosed with stage two colorectal cancer, that her family back home in Moline were at a loss as to what to do, so she had to take a few days off work. Hunt had been a Godsend, contacting Cleveland Clinic, which wasn't too far from Moline, and having their top colorectal surgeon as well as an excellent oncologist get in touch with April. Three days later April had had her dad transferred there to start treatment.

She had implored Hunt to be discreet about her situation, wanting to avoid as much as possible the looks of pity that would have surely followed her around the hospital. She'd already had a dose of that once her engagement to Matthew had broken off and she wasn't about to go through it again. Plus, the hospital was her solace, her hiding place from the cancer threatening to take over her dad. It was the one place where everything was still "normal". Her personal life may have been in chaos, but her professional life remained as comfortingly hectic as ever, allowing her to lose herself in her work when things seemed a little too overwhelming.

It had been the same routine for her for the next two and a half months. After long and exhaustive weekends spent by her father's side, April would come back to Grey-Sloan Memorial desperate to bury herself in countless surgeries. Whenever there was a lag in surgeries she would blackmail Ross into assisting her with researching treatment options and clinical trials for colorectal cancer so that she could be on top of all the latest treatments that would be available to her father. After coming home from work, she would immediately call up her mom and sisters or her dad's doctors to discuss his surgery, follow-up care and recovery times as well as side effects that may result from the cancer medications.

After those two and a half months of going to battle with her dad's cancer, they had recently heard the good news that his first cycle of post-surgery chemotherapy had been successful. He still had a long ways to go, but at least part of it was now over and she had learned how to cope.

April had come out of the experience world weary and seasoned. Within the short span of just two months, her, her mother and three sisters had bonded more so than ever. They'd laughed together, cried together, been each other's rocks when things got rough, and like the five tough Kepner women they were, had given their all to be there for the man they all desperately loved.

All her aunts and uncles, her cousins, nieces and nephews had gathered around her family, offering support and words of comfort, some taking the initiative to stay back in Moline in order to help look after the farm, others taking turns to visit her dad and help out however they can. They had sat with them through her dad's surgery to remove the cancer, taken her dad's mind off the exhaustive and physically draining chemotherapy by joking around with him, had quietly sat by him when he'd nodded off to sleep. But most of all, the most important thing they had all done for her father was let him know that they were there for him. Her heart swelled with love for her family whenever she thought of them, and it was this experience that had given her the courage to believe that no matter what happens, she will never be alone. When it came to family, the Kepners looked after their own. That had always been their motto, and they hadn't let her down.

Through it all, whenever she would catch glimpses of Jackson around the hospital, tears would sting her eyes as she thought about what a support he would have been if only she could have told him. But the days when they were friends were over, the times when she could just go to him and lay her head on his shoulder even if they were at odds with each other were long gone, and she knew she was partly to blame. He had kept trying to coax her into making conversation, even inviting her to Joe's once, and she'd almost accepted, when Stephanie had walked by with a wink at Jackson and April had lost interest almost immediately. She was grateful sometimes for everything that kept her busy for those two months, because she had heard through the grapevine that Jackson's relationship with Stephanie had really started to take off. She had once walked in on Ross and some other intern – Christina called her "Mousey"- complaining that they can't get into on-call rooms because Jackson and Stephanie had been going at it all over the hospital.

April had been so harried those two months and had gone about her work with more vigor than usual, that she hadn't realized that she looked paler and had lost weight, her tiny frame looking as dainty as ever. She never noticed the worried glances that Jackson gave her, never knew that he often tried to strike up a conversation with Meredith or Christina, just to find out how April was doing.

Even though April had not wanted to transfer anywhere else after her boards since Hunt had been so kind to her, in light of her dad's illness, she had decided to accept a fellowship at Cleveland Clinic. Her parents had told her time and time again to she stay where she was happy, but she had insisted. And now, with a week to go, she was wracking her brain whether or not to tell Jackson that she was leaving. And even if she _was_ going to do it, _how_ was she going to tell him? Just walk up to him while he was smooching face with Stephanie and be like, "Yo, I'm leaving to Ohio in a week, bro, see you around…" Or maybe she should invite him to Joe's, get drunk, and spill everything. Or _maybe_ she should just let everyone else know, and wait until _they_ tell him…which would happen in around a second, gossip was in high demand at Grey-Sloan Memorial.

It turned out though, that she didn't need to tell anyone.

April was standing at the Nurse's station in the ER, going through a patient's chart on one of the hospital tablets, when she felt a presence on her left side. The hairs on the back of her neck immediately stood at attention, and they only did that for one person.

"Jackson" she sighed, somewhat irritably, annoyed that she automatically knew who it was.

"April" came the soft reply, and there was something in his voice that made her look up at him, alarmed, and a quiet voice at the back of her mind whispered to her that he may already know.

His eyes flickered around the room, surreptitiously making sure that they had some privacy, before once again gazing back down at her, and she fought hard to hold that gaze.

"When were you going to tell me?" It was said in a demanding tone which instantly put her on edge.

"Look-"

"I _know_-I know that we haven't been talking okay, but to find out at the _Board meeting_…"

Damn. She had completely forgotten that she had already told Hunt about her decision to leave and that there was a Board Meeting today. Somehow the subject of this years' crop of former residents who were accepting fellowships elsewhere must have come up and her name must have slipped out.

Her eyes refocused on a frustrated Jackson, who was rubbing the back of his neck while still talking.

"…and everyone thought I already _knew…_I had to pretend I'd known for days…my own mother was there and she won't get off my back about why you're leaving…I just…"

He stopped talking and sighed.

"Why?" His tone had softened, along with his gaze, and try as she may, she couldn't stop herself from being drawn in by the brilliance of his eyes. He had only uttered one word, yet they both seemed to know that it held more than one meaning. Why was she leaving, why couldn't they be friends anymore, why had they stopped talking...why couldn't they just _be_ together?

That last question, April knew, would be one only she would be asking. And that saddened her more than anything else.

"Why not, Jackson?" she sighed, suddenly tired of it all. "It'll be good for me-"

"Look, Hunt's treated you more than fairly-"

"_You don't get to tell me how much Hunt's helped me, I already know!" _She shot back fiercely, and Jackson looked a bit taken aback. "Don't even think for one second that I'm not grateful for him, because I am, and he knows it. But he totally understands why I need to go and he's fine with it." She said, a bit more quietly.

There was a pause, during which April lowered her gaze, looking anywhere but at Jackson, and then-

"Is it because of me?" He blurted out.

Ah. Bingo, Jackson. That's what you _really_ wanted to ask wasn't it? Said a voice in her head, but all she said was a simple:

"No."

Period. End of statement. No need for any elaborations, he wasn't getting any of that.

Jackson kept looking at her while she returned to her tablet, and she could feel him scrutinizing her every move.

"_April."_

She closed her eyes. He just had a way of saying her name that made her want to wrap herself around him.

"Look, let's at least try to be friends-"

And that was it. That was the trigger. He'd set her off now, and he wasn't getting away without getting a good piece of her mind.

"_No . _No we can't be friends Jackson. I know it's harder for you to understand because, well, you weren't the one spilling your heart out but right now, where we stand, we're _not_ on equal footing. We can't be friends. I've revealed things about me, things I feel about _you,_ and somehow, what you feel, _how_ you feel is still a mystery to me. And that makes me feel like you have an unfair advantage over me and you can say what you want, but I am not comfortable with that. No it doesn't mean that I'm being difficult, it doesn't meant that I'm being petty, or weak, or that I can't handle it. If anything, it means that I'm putting _myself_ first, and you know what? It's about goddamn time!"

She finished, realizing too late that she'd drawn a few interested stares from a couple nurses nearby and blushing furiously.

Jackson hadn't seemed to notice anything though, and had immediately jumped in with a response and she struggled to pay attention to what he was saying instead of feeling too self-conscious about the minor scene they seemed to be causing.

"I _told_ you how I feel. I want us to be friends-"

April sighed, her voice taking on a gentler quality that hadn't been there before, almost as if talking to a child.

"If that's really how you feel and I've told you we can't be friends then why are you still asking me? What do you _really _want? Do me a favor and be honest with yourself Jackson, because you owe yourself that much."

And with that, she turned on her heel and walked away, leaving a frowning Jackson staring after her, trying to make sense of her words.

* * *

Jackson went about his day with his mind preoccupied. An irrational feeling of panic had suddenly gripped him when he had heard Hunt announce that April was transferring out of Grey-Sloan Memorial and taking up a fellowship somewhere else. All this time, he had been operating under a false sense of security that no matter how long it took, he and April would eventually be able to reconcile their friendship. He had been sure that she would want _him_ to make the first move, so he had tried several times to get her to talk. But right now, the way things were going, it seemed as if she never really had any intention of becoming friends with him again. And for some reason that scared him.

Lately, his mind had kept shifting to thoughts of April even more so than usual. After he had told her that he just wanted to be friends that night six and a half months ago, he had felt a feeling of relief almost immediately. He suspected it was because he knew that saying those words to her meant that he was finally putting an end to the cat and mouse game he and April had been playing for so long. It was a relief to not have that weighing on his mind all the time. Seeing the agonized look on her face right before she had told him that she didn't want to be friends had definitely crushed him….but he just…hadn't wanted to deal with all those emotions anymore, and so he had put a lid on it.

But recently, that feeling of relief had slowly been ebbing away, to be replaced by a sense of unease; as if his something in his bones were telling him that a big storm was brewing and he better be prepared. And right now, he couldn't help but feel that there were only moments to go before he was thrust into the throes of that storm.

He paused what he was doing, suddenly feeling very antsy, and checked the time. Damn. April must have already left for home, her shift had ended an hour ago. There were too many things running through his mind, and he knew the only way to clear his head would be if he was able to figure out what April had meant with those last few cryptic words she had thrown his way. He just…he knew that there was something important he was leaving out…Maybe…maybe if he could just figure out what to say to her, she would stay. Because he really needed her to stay…he just…no, he wouldn't be able to watch her leave, not without knowing whether there was hope for them to become friends again...he knew that much. Staying here and thinking about it was going to drive him insane, so he stood up from his desk, a determined look on his face…

* * *

It was late by the time April reached home, and she was dog-tired. She had rented out a ground floor apartment quite close to the hospital so she almost always walked to and from work, but today, her usual trek had seemed to tire her out even more; maybe because she was already emotionally drained from that little exchange with Jackson.

She thoughtfully chewed on her lip as she opened her fridge to see what she could cook for dinner. She had known for awhile now that Jackson was hiding something from her. Even back then, when she had asked him for a reason, so many expressions had flitted across his face before he had carefully arranged it into one that was unreadable to her. And although it had registered on her mind subconsciously, she had been too hurt by his answer to figure out what it meant then. And she had had a million other things to deal with after that, but lately, she had been thinking about it, and by his behavior _then_ and the way he looked at her today…she knew for certain that he was undergoing some sort of internal battle. He may tell her that he wanted to be friends, but there was also something else he wanted to tell her and April suspected he just couldn't bring himself to do it.

She had just taken out some leftover Chinese to heat up when she heard a loud banging on her door. She frowned, knowing that she hadn't invited anyone over and walked towards her door to look through the peep-hole. She was surprised to see a very out of breath Jackson standing outside, looking anxious.

"Did you run all the way here?" She asked curiously as she opened the door, but he didn't give her a reply, instead started talking fast, almost as if he was afraid that he won't be able to get out what he had to say if he didn't say it right now.

"Look- I just, I _know_ you want me to say something, alright, it's just…What do you want me to say? April tell me what you want me to say..."

His eyes were pleading at her, and she stared at him, unable to fathom how hurtful those words were. He was asking _her_ to tell _him_ what he really wanted. In essence, he was asking her to tell him why _he_ wanted _her_. Because he did. She was almost certain of it now. He wanted her, he just didn't know it yet…may not even _want_ to know it. She almost pitied him. Except she pitied herself more, waiting for a declaration of love from a man who was too afraid to see that his feelings for her were the reason that he was unable to cut off all ties with her. _That_ was his whole problem.

She could understand why. He was a guy. Furthermore, he was _Jackson. _He had always kept things close to his chest and he never, very easily, let himself rely on anyone else. Sure they had been very close when they had been friends, and there were times when he'd blurt things out to her, but even then, it felt as though he only did so when he just couldn't keep it to himself anymore. More often than not, it was her going to him, needing him, wanting him to be there for her, so the notion of doing so for the rest of her life did not scare her. In fact, it would make her the happiest girl in the world.

And, she supposed, having gone through what she'd been through the past two months had restored her faith in family, in unity. Jackson had, as far as she knew, never experienced that. The only close family he had was his mother and grandfather, and his father had left him when he was younger. So she could see how things could be convoluted for someone like him, why he would be hesitant to give himself over to and make himself vulnerable to such strong emotions. Plus, the two occasions that Jackson had let himself be vulnerable with her, hadn't really ended well. The first time was when he had told her he had feelings for her, and she hadn't really given him a response. The second time he had really put himself out there for her, offering to marry her, and she had let her mouth get the better of her in the end, and he had immediately shut down.

She could help him now, she could tell him what she wanted to hear and listen to him say it back to her and pretend to be happy. But ultimately, what she wanted was for him to come to the realization that he wanted her on his own. Because if she gave him all the answers, it didn't count, that would be cheating.

And she knew that there was a chance that he may never be able to take that plunge. If six months had gone by and he hadn't been able to do it, what was the guarantee that he would be able to do it now? It was bittersweet, their almost- love story. But sometimes that's how they ended. The best ones were sometimes never given a chance…and maybe theirs was one of those…

April blinked up at him, her eyes wide and wet. "I can't tell you what you want Jackson." she said sadly, reaching up to lay her hand on his cheek and he leaned into it, his eyes closing.

Her thumb gently stroked his cheek.

"You have to figure it out on your own..."

Her words were a soft whisper in the wind, and he let them wash over him as she quietly closed her door, leaving him outside.

Jackson stood on her doorstep long after she had closed the door, head bowed and brow furrowed, one hand still on her door as if about to knock, then turned around to walk away along the deserted street; a lone figure bent against the heavy wind, his defeated posture a reflection of his current attitude…

_I'm sorry if in this fic, April and Jackson seem a bit out of character – usually she's the one who is the mess and he at least seems to have some of his shit together lol. I struggled a lot with this story but it was something I had to get out because I really want J/A to grow and mature and the writers haven't yet given us that. I don't think I did it justice, mainly because I don't think I was truly able to get into April and Jackson's heads, so I really hope that in season 10 the writers give them both a storyline that is deep and meaningful….BTW, I haven't written it yet, but there's one more chapter of this to come._

_Also, please leave a review and tell me whether or not you liked it! _

_Also: My apologies to anyone who is following Tempest of the Hearts. I swear I will end it, I just can't seem to be able to get through this stupid writer's block :(_


	2. Chapter 2

**_So I know I said I'll end this story with this chapter, but I've decided to break it down into two. I've written the ending, but it needs a severe brush up before I put it up. Also this way, the story won't seem too rushed. Oh, and I changed the rating for reasons that will become obvious ;)_**

Jackson observed his mother carefully, trying to gauge her reaction. His mother on the other hand, just looked supremely disinterested in what had just taken place, and was gazing around the bar as if looking for someone. He waited a few more seconds, expecting her to give up this pretense of not really looking like she cared, but after nothing happened, gritted his teeth and decided to speak.

"So what do you think?"

His mother took a sip of her drink and looked around when the bell above the door at Joe's tinkled signaling the arrival of someone, and with a huff, looked back around at him, her expression showing mild disappointment.

"Hmm?"

Jackson rolled his eyes. She was overacting now. There was no way his mother, the queen of Nosy Parkers, wasn't at least a little curious.

"What did you think about Stephanie?"

For two days, Jackson had wallowed in self-pity after April had shut her front door on him, at times angry with her for not fully explaining herself to him, at times mad at himself for not being able to figure it out on his own. Jackson didn't want to admit it to himself, but thoughts of April had started to bug him so much that introducing Stephanie to his mother had been a desperate attempt at reminding himself that he was with _her_ now. He felt a bit guilty but…doing things with Stephanie didn't come naturally to him. He had made the mistake of forgetting to meet up with her for dates they had planned in advance a few times now, but he put it down to the fact that their relationship was still fairly new. Most relationships must start off like that anyway, and he was sure that he was just going through a phase.

Because all things considered, being with Stephanie was easy. He didn't have to bend over backwards to figure her out. She didn't drive him up the wall, didn't test his patience, never once disagreed with him, never flew into a fiery rage when mad at him just to apologize a second later…and she…she… never touched his cheek with her small hand to soothe him, never cried in his arms for someone she couldn't save, never looked at him with so much innocent compassion in her eyes that he gladly would have taken the life of anyone who tried to hurt her.…

_NO Jackson._

He thought furiously. Stephanie. Think about Stephanie.

Stephanie had been very polite with his mother, albeit a bit awestruck, but what hadn't sat well with Jackson was that he thought his mother had actually managed to look quite bored with her. And boredom was not a look that suited Catherine Avery. She rarely ever looked it, never wanted to be associated with it, and she herself was the very opposite of it. Jackson had learned to read his mother well over the years, and the fact that she hadn't tried to sniff an ounce of personal information out of Stephanie was very unsettling.

And as the night went on, it had made him increasingly impatient to find out what her thoughts were.

So he stared at her expectantly, eyebrows raised, until she got the hint.

"Oh! She's nice dear. Now, did you get a chance to ask April why she's moving? I'm really very curious. Didn't the two of you come to this bar quite often? I keep looking for her but I feel like she's been avoiding me lately…"

"You're not the only one…" muttered Jackson. April had been avoiding him ever since the day she told him to "figure it out" on his own, and he'd been too much of a coward to seek her out.

"…and it's really not like Grey-Sloan doesn't have a good trauma department. I would tell her to take some more time to consider her options. It's not a decision she should-"

"Mom I really don't want to-

"…aren't you two close? She surely must have asked your opinion before taking such a huge step…"

"_Mom-"_

"…so did you ask her? What did she say?"

Jackson leaned back in his chair and fingered some cashew nut shells strewn on the table, his jaw set stubbornly.

"I did not come here to talk about April." He said sulkily.

Catherine Avery sighed.

"Honey look, I know you must feel upset that she's decided to move. I mean you're best friends, you went through a lot together. You two lost both Reed and Charles. I remember you four at Mercy West, looking like some Roman Army unit, always going everywhere together…"

Catherine paused to give a small laugh, surreptitiously giving her son the eagle eye, watching for a reaction.

There was something her baby boy wasn't telling her. As soon as she had mentioned April Kepner's name, he had stiffened up considerably. And for a while now, whenever she had got him or April to talk to her, neither had seemed to know much about what the other was doing. Something was up.

"I just want you to know that you can _talk_ to me. it's nothing to be embarrassed about if you admit that you're going to miss her…"

Catherine narrowed her eyes and chose her words very very carefully. It was crucial that she found out which of her son's buttons to press where April was concerned. She just had to mention the girl's name and he started looking like a puppy that lost his bone, all mopey and sulky.

Jackson glared at his mother. He wanted her opinion on Stephanie and he wanted it now. You could never shut the woman up normally, she always had something to say about everyone, and the one time he wanted to know what she thought she acted like nothing had happened. And all these questions about April were grinding on his last nerve. He had just introduced her to _Stephanie_. This should be about _Stephanie_. Why did she keep bringing up April? What exactly did she know?

"_Look._ I just wanted to know what you thought about Stephanie, alright. Honestly mom, you go on and on about how I always keep things from you, and now that I actually introduce a girlfriend to you, you decide to ignore the issue completely, I mean what…?"

Catherine rolled her eyes. Oh this Stephanie girl. She didn't understand what her son was doing with her. Sure, she seemed nice, but it wasn't hard to figure out that the girl was absolutely _infatuated _with her son- which was very unseemly to be honest. Jackson certainly didn't need a fan girl following him around, lapping at his feet. He needed someone who was mature, someone who wasn't afraid to whip him into shape when his head got a little too big for his shoes, someone who was able to see through those walls he had erected around himself. Oh, and someone he actually _looked_ like he wanted to be with. Catherine had observed the two of them together and she hadn't seen Jackson spare this Stephanie girl one adoring look. That was not how new love looked like. And so she didn't think Stephanie was anyone worth talking about, or talking _to_ for that matter.

"She's pretty enough, a bit wet behind the ears, _very _over-eager, a lot immature and entirely too infatuated with you. She must think that the sun rises and sets on that little behind of yours and I can assure you, it doesn't. No wonder your ego has been so big lately."

There. If her son wanted her opinion, she had no problem dishing it out.

And he didn't seem to like it one bit.

Satisfied with her handy work, Catherine stood up. She just didn't feel like her day was over until she managed to ruffle someone's feathers.

"Now if that's all, I think we can call it a night, don't you?"

Jackson grabbed her arm, pulling her back.

"Mom, sit _down_. You can't say something like that and walk _away_….I-"

Catherine gave her son a withering look and firmly extracted her arm from him, refusing to sit down.

"Jackson Avery you are almost making a scene. I will _not_ sit back down. When I say I'm done with this conversation, I am done. Do you understand? You asked me what I thought of her, and I told you. I swear baby, I don't know what's gotten to you lately. She's not for you at all. If I didn't know better I'd say you're almost trying to make it work with her to prove a point. And I don't know what that point is but if _you_ do, you better think about what you're doing and why you're doing it very very carefully."

And with a swish of her long skirt, Catherine Avery stalked off, head held high like a proud tigress, leaving her son to stare after her with his mouth agape.

Jackson couldn't believe it. This was the second time in a week that a woman had given him a piece of her mind. And for what, exactly? He didn't feel like he had done anything wrong. He looked around; hoping that nobody had noticed what had just taken place, and spotted Stephanie walking towards him. He hurriedly got up, throwing a few bills on the table to cover the tab. Oh no, he wasn't sticking around for an ear full from _her _too. She looked like something was bothering her, and he definitely didn't want to deal with whatever it was tonight.

Jackson ducked his head and walked fast towards a backdoor, knowing that Stephanie could very clearly see him, but not caring. Too many thoughts were jumbled up in his head, and maybe some fresh air would help him clear it.

* * *

April blew a glossy red curl straight up and away from her face as she sat up with a huff behind a cardboard box she had just managed to close. She scrambled up from her sitting position and shoved the box with all her might towards a wall, against which seven other identical cardboard boxes were neatly lined . Most of her packing was done now. Everything she wanted to take with her to Ohio was immaculately tucked away into those cardboard boxes, and all her clothes had been freshly laundered and folded into her suitcases. The good thing about working in a hospital was that she could get away with wearing scrubs most of the time, so she had been able to pack up almost all her of her clothes. She was planning on leaving her furniture, including her sofa and her bed, as she was wanted to buy them new once she was in Ohio. Whole new furniture for a whole new start, she thought drily. Two more days left and she'd be back home in Moline for a short break before she left to start work at Cleveland Clinic.

The last four days she had been secretly rooting for Jackson to figure out his feelings, but as time trickled through her fingers, her heart sank lower and lower in her chest. Jackson seemed no closer to coming to any realizations now than he had been six months ago. She had given him his space, thinking that maybe some time to himself would be good for him, but the last she heard, he was in a bar introducing Stephanie to his mother. Something must have spooked him if he had been willing to go to levels _that_ extreme. She wondered whether maybe he had come a little _too_ close to figuring out the truth and had stopped himself from getting any closer by completely distracting himself with Stephanie. It certainly seemed like the kind of move he would make. Although, she didn't really know what his feelings were regarding Stephanie; whether he actually _had_ any feelings. She suspected that he didn't, but she also suspected that he may have convinced himself that he _does_, just so that he could justify being with her. Jackson was not the type to use someone else to hide behind his real feelings– well, he was, because essentially, that's what he was doing – but the minute he admitted it to himself, the guilt would eat him alive and he would let Stephanie go in a hot second.

April stood up, stretching out her tired bones, thinking that she needed a shower. She had had the day off today, so from the moment she got up, she had gone about systematically packing away everything, making lists of the last minute things she had to do, patient files she had to review, tasks she needed to hand over at the hospital and people she had to call or meet before leaving. Tomorrow was her last day there so most of those things in the list would have to be done then...

* * *

Jackson found himself on her doorstep. He didn't know how he got there, but after a long night of wandering around, he was just…there. If he had thought the fresh air would clear his mind, he had been wrong, because so many jumbled up thoughts- about April, about what his mother had said over his relationship with Stephanie- had zinged through his head that he'd ended up not being able to think straight. As the night wore on and he let his feet take him wherever they wanted to go, he had sunk deeper and deeper into an inexplicable feeling of sadness. He had a pounding headache, and his hands were trembling, almost as if he was high on adrenaline. His whole body felt like a time bomb, slowly ticking away, until the moment she left. And then…he didn't know.

So he stood outside and knocked on her door, shifting from one leg to the next, impatiently waiting for her to open it. He didn't know what he was going to say to her, but he needed her to open that door.

It swung open finally, and he took a moment to just take her in.

God, she looked achingly beautiful. She was wearing a white pair of shorts which showed off those slender legs he had once loved to run his hands on, she had tied the ends of her pink shirt at the front so that a pale strip of her midriff was showing, and her hair was tied with a bandana so that a few of those pretty red curls tumbled down around her delicate face. And all he wanted to do was lay his hot palm on that tiny waist of hers and slowly slide it up underneath her top until he could swipe his thumb gently across a swollen nipple.

Jackson shook his head, swallowing thickly.

"Hey"

His voice came out rough, as his eyes raked her over and she shivered involuntarily. Those beautiful eyes of his were a swirling storm-gray today, and they were a clear-cut mirror into his tormented soul. His breathing was deep, his expression troubled, and he seemed desperate to lose himself in…something.

Something that she now wanted to give him. The one thing she had never been able to give him. And this could be her last chance.

She wanted to make love to him without letting him feel any of her own guilt. She had never been able to give him that, and she wanted him to have it. Experiencing the grief she had felt when she thought he had died had made her see that she had given her virginity to the one man she was always _meant_ to give it to. And with that, all the guilt she had once felt had fallen away. He was the one. Whether or not they had been married did not matter.

So she let herself wet her lips, let her doe eyes blink up at him, as she breathed out a trembling

"Hi."

And then his palms were on her waist and she was moaning his name as his lips took in her hot nipple to suckle at tenderly, and he was lowering her gently onto the floor as the door closed shut behind them. His movements had a quiet desperation to them, his hands had a gentle possessiveness to them. He said her name huskily as his fingers dipped between her legs and stroked her there, making her convulse around them before his tongue tasted her, softly, slowly, savoring her until she couldn't take it anymore. She cried out his name as she came for him once, twice, before he finally let her touch him, his deep moans telling her that he was close, so very close as she gently caressed him before finally letting him bite down on her neck and fall apart for her. And then he was inside her, and they were moving together, their tongues lazily sliding against each other as they both came undone, seconds within each other,until they were both spent and lying in each other's arms, hot skin touching hot skin, soft lips dropping kisses on the most intimate of places.

April slowly stroked her palm across his back. He was still buried deep inside her, and he was kissing her neck, sliding his lips towards her ear. He had seemed so…lost while making love. So desperate and needy, and her heart bled for him. He had grasped at her as if she was slipping through his arms and he was powerless to stop it, like he had no control. She wished that she could stop time, she wished she could make these moments last forever, but she knew that in a few minutes, reality would sink in, Jackson would probably feel guilty for cheating on Stephanie, and she…she would probably hate herself. Correction. she _wanted_ to hate herself. But she wouldn't.

Because for a few moments there, she had felt like she belonged to him. As lost as he had seemed, whenever they had locked eyes on each other, she had known that he felt it too. He had looked at her, and branded her, told her silently that she was his, that he was hers, they could never belong to anyone else, and she had nodded, her lips melding with his as their bodies slowly waltzed to the eternal song of love.

And _that _feeling_, _no one could ever take away from her. She would take it if that was the only thing she was allowed to have of Jackson, and she would treasure it forever.

She whispered his name now, her palm slowly stroking his rough cheek, and he raised his head to look at her...and she felt her heart sink. His eyes were full of regret and….she screwed her own eyes shut tightly. _Was that pity she had just seen?_

She opened them again to look directly at him, as she started talking, her voice soft, trying to make him understand.

"Don't look at me like you pity me Jackson. I'm not the one you should feel pity for. Because I'm free, you see. I felt things for you, and I fought them…I fought until I couldn't anymore, and then I did the only thing I could do. I told you."

She gave a lopsided smile.

"Which means that I've done everything. There's nothing else I could have done. All I could do was tell you, and I did that. I don't have anything to regret. So don't pity me, Jackson. Because I broke free."

_Can you say the same about you? _She thought.

Jackson kept looking down at her, his eyes shielded behind a veil of foggy thoughts.

She had been right, he _had_ felt pity. But it hadn't been for her. It had been for himself. He pitied himself for being so stunted. For something in him wasn't letting him figure out what he had to say to her to make her stay, and it made him feel so emasculated . And the regret he had felt…he _knew_ it wasn't for what they had just done. No, that definitely wasn't it. So why did he feel this way? What exactly, was he regretting?

He felt himself sinking into that inexplicable feeling of sadness again, and shook himself, unwilling to let go of what he had just felt with her so soon. They had made love plenty of times back when they were together, but this time it had felt different to him. _She_ had felt different. She had seemed…so free, as if she had managed to liberate herself from what had once held her back. He would kill to feel that way. The world had seemed to stop when they were together, time had seemed to stand still, and it had been just the two of them, no inevitabilities looming ahead, threatening to drown them, and he wanted to hang on to that feeling just a little bit longer.

April blinked up at him as his eyes seemed to clear up. She slowly caressed his lower back to soothe him and he lowered his lips once more to kiss her, whispering

" I wasn't pitying you. I've never pitied you. And the regret…if you saw it…it wasn't for what we just did…I loved what we just did…"

His lips curved in a bashful smile but his eyes remained somber.

"But then you already knew that…"

He lifted up on his forearms and suddenly looked around, registering the cardboard boxes, the empty apartment, the ghostly curtains blowing in front of the gaping windows making it look deserted. And his eyes clouded over again and he frowned, his mouth drooping.

She shut her eyes, knowing what was about to happen, also knowing that she wasn't going to stop it.

She kept them closed as she felt a soft brush of lips against her cheek, against her eyelids, as he kissed her tenderly on her forehead, before he lifted his weight off her and carried her gently towards her sofa to lay her down there, covering her body with a blanket.

A final brush of his lips against hers and then he was gone, and her eyes welled up as she started crying, curling her body up into a fetal position. She cried freely, for him, for her…for the both of them. Poor little lost souls, she thought, floating around each other, trying to catch the other, but always missing their mark.

**_Soo…let me know what you thought with a review? :)_**


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm really really sorry about the late update. Hope this doesn't disappoint!**

Jackson was fuming. He was absolutely livid. God, it was such a stupid mistake. She was an intern, sure, but he had told her to check and re-check the site of the skin lesion and to make sure they have it right. Because of her carelessness, he had gone ahead and removed a lesion that didn't need removing from a young patient. These mistakes were termed "never-events" for a reason. They are errors that should _never_ happen, and signaled serious underlying safety issues. Thankfully, after much begging and pleading, he had been able to pacify the patient's family and the hospital had narrowly escaped what could have been _another_ lawsuit.

Jackson supposed it was his own fault. He should neverhave trusted Stephanie and he should have double checked the site himself. But last night's events had screwed with his head. Every time he saw Stephanie he was wracked with guilt and uncertainty over what to do. All this time he had convinced himself that he felt something for her, but last night had shattered that illusion more or less. Whatever he had with Stephanie paled in comparison to the whirl of emotions that consumed him whenever he was near April. But the real problem was that today being April's last day at the hospital, he was becoming alarmingly aware of the fact that his time was running out. It was chipping away at his carefully constructed façade of nonchalance, and driving his usually immaculate work ethic haywire.

Add to all this, they'd just had an impromptu board meeting. He had known that the rest of the board members wouldn't let him off the hook without mocking and criticizing him about not being able to keep his intern in check -and he had been right. They had been insufferable, taking it so far as to deem him not fit to be head of the board, and he had finally snapped, calling Shepherd out about the time Lexie had made the mistake of removing a patient's benign tumor, accidentally rendering her speechless. He had then proceeded to tell them in clipped tones that even though he may be head of the board because of his name, he wasn't an incompetent buffoon when it came to handling things, so they better stop with their insults and snarky jabs and let him do his job properly. They had stared at him with their mouths agape for about ten seconds after that, and he had lost his patience and walked out of the meeting in a desperate attempt to calm himself down.

Except he hadn't had the chance to do so because Stephanie had paged him to an on-call room a second later, and that had got his blood boiling all over again. Did she actually expect them to have _sex_ after all this?

* * *

He reached the on call room and slammed the door shut behind him, startling the intern inside.

"Do you know how much I had to beg the girl's parents to not sue us?" He bit out.

Stephanie's eyes widened, and she started to speak but he cut her off.

"We're just now climbing back on to our feet after the fiasco that happened because of the plane crash, and they've put all the responsibility on _my_ head out of nowhere, and you go ahead and almost ruin it all. I'm having enough trouble keeping the board in check, trying to convince them that I can _handle_ all the responsibility. Add to all that, I'm trying to stay on top of all my work as a surgeon, as a fellow. I'm trying to become better, I'm trying to make YOU better, and when I tell you to double check things, I'm not just saying it to make your life miserable, I'm trying to teach you to be meticulous, to be careful, because you are still _training_, emphasis on the _training_ to be a surgeon. You're learning to take other people's lives into your hands and treat them responsibly. You're learning to take responsibility for not only YOUR work, but that of this hospital, and you know what? You almost got us sued today. I actually went ahead and removed a lesion that didn't need to be removed from a poor girl who put all her trust on _me_. Because in the end, it doesn't matter if it's _your_ mistake, it's all on _me_!"

"Jackson I am so so sorry, but-

"You're removed from my service." He cut in abruptly.

" And since Hunt's informed me it's my call, I'm recommending that he suspend you from all surgeries until further notice. The moment you're Okayed to be on someone else's service, the first thing you do is be upfront about what happened today. Let them know how careless you were, and if they still want you on their service, you better be damn grateful!"

Jackson was vaguely aware that he was overreacting; a voice kept telling him through the heavy mist filling his brain that he was being unfairly harsh, but he ignored it. Any other day, he would have kept a cool head, would have remembered all the mistakes he himself had made when he was an intern, and would have been firm but fair in his chastising of Stephanie. But today, his thoughts were in disarray. The guilt he felt about cheating on her was eating him up inside, he was up to his neck in surgeries and paperwork, all the board members had just made sure to chew him up and spit him out just because they can, and…_April._

Everything about her that he had kept bottled up for so long was slowly starting to bubble to the surface...and he was starting to lose all self control.

He paced back and forth in the on call room, too worked up to care that Stephanie was almost in tears. Neither of them noticed a small red head poke her head in through the door. Neither saw her eyes widen at what was taking place, didn't see her bite her lip worriedly as her brow furrowed in concern.

Stephanie tried to speak up again, saying Jackson's name, but Jackson didn't give her a chance to say anything more. He turned around suddenly and slammed his fist into a nearby shelf, making most of the medical supplies on it come down to the floor with a loud crash. He didn't know why, but her calling him by his first name made his guilt about the previous night return two fold. And before he knew what he was doing, he was shouting at her.

"You do _not_ call me Jackson! Alright? I am an attending, I am your senior! I thought you knew this for God's sake, but whatever we do in our personal lives stays PERSONAL, don't you understand? Whenever we're at work, you address me by Dr. Avery and that is the way it is! I noticed you calling me Jackson during an exam today, do NOT let it happen again! It's embarrassing, highly unprofessional, and _you _need to know that I'm NOT in a position to-"

"Jackson!"

April heard herself exclaim.

She hadn't meant to interrupt, had thought about quietly closing the door behind her and leaving, but Jackson's outburst had alarmed her. She had never seen him loose it like this. She had seen him yell a few times, he had even raised his voice at her in the men's bathroom back in San Francisco, but this was the first time she had seen him completely unhinged. And she had heard enough to know that he was being extremely unfair to the poor intern, who had a hand pressed to her lips now, trying hard not to cry.

April came in and quietly closed the door as she told Stephanie gently to leave. The frightened intern looked at her with tear filled eyes as Jackson's own eyes flicked towards April, his harsh breaths telling them that his anger had still not abated. April nodded encouragingly at Stephanie and the intern fled, prompting April to go towards Jackson and lay her cool palm soothingly against his hot cheek.

He leaned into her, something about her gentle presence causing all his anger to leave him as his body went limp, and he released a pent up breath.

"God…"

He screwed his eyes shut as his mind flashed through what had just taken place, and his brow furrowed as if he was in pain.

"Oh Jackson…."

He opened his eyes.

"I- I need to tell her."

He said thickly, those beautiful eyes somehow communicating to her the conflict he didn't yet know how to verbalize.

She nodded.

"I- I just yelled at her because I was angry, at-at myself. She- it was unfair…" He sighed.

"Yeah…yeah you-you need to tell her…" she whispered.

He took a deep breath and nodded, squaring his shoulders and swallowing harshly. She watched him as he slowly made his way to the door, her heart breaking as she saw how defeated he looked.

* * *

She was waiting for him when he came back, his eyes sad and empty as he said, his voice hollow,

"She cried."

She went to him, wrapping him up in her arms, letting him rest his head on her shoulder.

"I am not…I don't…" He swallowed.

"Cheat."

He got out, spitting the single word out like it was the most hateful thing in the world to him, and she whispered,

"I know".

"You- you made me…"

"_No_ Jackson!" Her eyes widened, unable to believe what he was implying.

"No- I mean you- it's…."

He frowned, looking at her, deep in thought, as he slowly shook his head and said, almost to himself,

"It's _you_. You make me go against everything I am sometimes, April. What are you doing to me?"

His words ended in a whisper, and a tear slipped down her cheek. Jackson reached out, catching the tear and wiping it away. His thumb slowly stroked her soft skin as his gaze gentled, looking at her the way he had the night he had first made love to her, and her breath hitched.

"C-could you say something?" He asked. "To her? I've- I'vedone enough damage…"

He pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger and sighed.

"I feel awful about it but she wouldn't even look at me, and I just…I think I need her to know I'm not that guy April…I'm not the guy who-who cheats and hurts a girl just because I can-"

April swallowed. This was just as much about Jackson as it was about Stephanie. He was conflicted right now, and losing faith in his own good judgment was the last thing he needed. Last night he had acted on nothing but an impulse and Stephanie acting like he was the bad guy was making him doubt himself. If her talking to Stephanie and making her understand would help, then she was willing to try.

She nodded slowly and stood up on her tip toes to kiss his cheek, giving him a comforting smile as she slipped out the door, suddenly feeling apprehensive about what to say to the intern.

* * *

It took April a long time to find Stephanie. She'd actually had to bribe intern Jo with surgeries in order to get her to tell her that Stephanie was holed up in an exam room somewhere on the fifth floor.

As soon as she came in Stephanie spoke up, her voice bitter.

"He lied to me didn't he, all this time…and you, I don't even want to look at you…"

"No- he-"

She sighed. She understood the girl's pain, it was very clear she'd had feelings for him.

"I just want you to listen, okay. Just give me a few minutes of your time, and I'll leave." April said gently, knowing if it was her, talking to the woman who cheated on her with Jackson, she'd probably be ready to throw a punch right about now. Thankfully, Stephanie seemed to have more self control.

The intern didn't say anything, just stared at her with her eyes narrowed. April took that as a go ahead and started speaking.

"He didn't lie to you." She said quietly. "I think, I think he lied to himself Stephanie, you were just-"

"A pawn in the game of chess he was playing?" Stephanie asked with a scoff.

April closed her eyes. How could she explain to her that Jackson wasn't a malicious person, that he hadn't tried to intentionally hurt her, that he had gradually started to believe in his own lie, and unfortunately Stephanie had got caught in the crossfire?

"He's not a bad person." She said softly. "Usually he lets himself love freely, and he could have fallen for you, he probably would have, but he was just…"

"Already in love with you…" the intern finished sadly

"No." She shook her head. "I don't know that he is. If I let myself believe he loves me, I'm only setting myself up for a possible downfall. But Jackson and I- we were-"

She paused, frowning contemplatively.

"I-I think it was different for him with me. We, we were friends for so long. We knew each other since we were interns at Mercy West, stuck together when we were transferred here, lost our best friends to a shooting…"

Her voice became softer, as her eyes took on a far-away look.

"It drew us closer. He became my best friend. I – I was different, you see. I was always sort of the black sheep, I didn't really fit in, people made fun of me, and most people didn't like me, and he- "

She smiled.

"He became really protective."

"I mean not that he didn't make fun of me. When he- when _they_, our friends, all found out I was a virgin-they laughed at me, and he laughed with them. But after that he just kinda accepted it and moved on, unlike the others, who still teased me…"

She stopped suddenly and went beet-red in the face, realizing what she'd just admitted to.

"I-I'm not anymore, though. A virgin I mean." She said hastily, looking embarrassed. But Stephanie just cocked her head to one side, listening attentively, and April went on.

"He- he almost seemed mindful of it when other guys made moves on me - punched Karev when he kinda was a bit rough with me…"

That caused Stephanie to raise an eyebrow, but April didn't elaborate. She wondered whether or not to tell her the next bit, and decided to go ahead with it.

"And… and then he fell for someone. Someone he knew – at least on some level - was already in love with someone else, but I think he decided to turn a blind eye to it…In the end he ended up heartbroken…"

"So he did the same thing to me?" Stephanie asked, eyes spitting fire.

April took a deep breath, knowing that the girl was angry and hurt, but deciding to calmly go on with the story.

"He was still an intern Stephanie, he had a long way to go yet, so he decided not to wait around for a girl who was in love with someone else and chose to put his _career _first."

She gave the intern a pointed look, and the girl had the sense to lower her gaze, looking a bit shame-faced.

"And I don't know when it happened, I can't really put a finger on it, but we spent so much time with each other and confided so much in each other that I guess…I guess there were_ some_ sparks between us but we decided to sweep it under the rug because the thought seemed so ridiculous at the time…."

"A-and then we were in San Francisco for the boards and I had just punched a guy out because he was mean to me and Jackson had pulled me off of him and I was on a confidence high that I didn't think I just kissed him."

She said in a hurry, knowing she had to get it out all at once or she never would, because these details were precious to her. Only she and Jackson were privy to them, they had never told another soul. It was _their_ story. _Their_ story that she was now sharing with Stephanie because the girl had inadvertently managed to get herself woven into it as well and she was now hurting because of it.

"And then we…"

She gave a shy smile.

Stephanie had a wistful look in her eyes, as she said,

"He was your first…"

"Yeah." April whispered.

"When did it, I mean, why did you-?"

Stephanie looked like she had a million questions, which instantly put April on guard. There were some parts to their story that would always only belong to her and Jackson; She could only share a certain amount with the intern.

"A lot of things happened, Stephanie, it was over before it ever began for us, gone in a heartbeat. We never really had the chance to get over each other…and then we started seeing other people…"

Stephanie swallowed, as April said gently,

"I never realized the extent of my feelings for him. Not until it was too late…I went so far as to convince myself I was in love with Matthew and said yes to marrying him. It took almost losing Jackson to that burning bus for me to realize who I really wanted to be with…"

April gave a sad smile.

"So I told him…but he, he never… "

Her voice broke, but she forced herself to finish.

" He may never be able to bring himself to be that vulnerable with me. Things aren't that clear-cut Stephanie. It isn't black and white. He's going through a lot, fighting a lot of demons. I just…it hasn't been easy for us. And we may _never_ be able to be together. I'm sorry, I'm sorry about all this, I really am. But this isn't the end of yourstory. God, you have so many things to experience, so much life ahead of you. You think this is it, but trust me, it isn't."

April's pager beeped , and she looked down at it, giving Stephanie a regretful smile.

"I gotta go now…"

Stephanie nodded, hesitating slightly, before adding,

"Thank you, by the way. I- that kind of helped, knowing what it's like for the both of you. It doesn't make it any right- what he did_. _And I still resent the two of you just a little bit, I'd be lying if I said otherwise.B-but you telling me your story gave me some kind of closure, made me understand, and I think, even though I'm in no mood to think about the two of you right now, in about a month I'll have healed enough to hope that it works out for the both of you. And- it'll kinda be a waste anyway, if he broke up with me only to never get back together with you, so…"

Stephanie gave a self deprecating smile, and April nodded, face somber, a silent understanding seemingly formed between the two of them.

* * *

It was late by the time April finally reached the locker room, intending to clear out everything in her locker for the very last time, when a quiet voice came from somewhere in the shadows, startling her.

"Thank you."

"J-Jackson?" she spoke up. She would recognize that voice anywhere.

A lone figure stood up from one of the benches in front of her, silhouetted agaist the darkness.

"Yeah. Thank you, for talking to Stephanie I mean, it helped."

She nodded mutely.

"I talked to her, and told her- well, apologized I guess…" He cleared his throat. "…as best as I could, and uh, told her that I was a bit harsh on her earlier, suspending her from surgeries…" he finished lamely.

April nodded again and went to sit on the bench he had been sitting on earlier, and he sat back down next to her. She desperately wanted to lay her head on his shoulder and melt into him, because she was exhausted. She was sick and tired of all these walls between them. The solution just seemed so simple; they just had to _be_ together. And maybe it's not worth it, her letting Jackson figure it out on his own. Maybe she should just give him the answer…maybe that would be good enough for her. Maybe she didn't have to struggle so damn much, maybe _he_ didn't have to struggle so damn much…maybe….

"You're too thin."

April broke away from her silent thoughts. Had she heard that right?

"What?"

"You. You've lost weight. Too much."

There was a long pause before she finally spoke up.

"I…had to help my dad with something…took a lot out of me."

Jackson's brow furrowed, his eyes narrowing.

"What…kind of thing?" He said slowly.

April inhaled. There was another long pause before she finally told him, her voice wavering slightly.

"Cancer."

She swallowed. She hated saying that word.

Jackson's eyes widened, and he searched her own eyes, wanting to know if she was telling the truth.

"April..what..?"

So she told him, through tears and laughter, her voice breaking, heart thudding, as she took him on the journey of her dad's struggle, her own struggle, of her dad's eventual triumph over the beast that is cancer. After her story ended she looked over at him, seeing his jaw clenched, neck stiff, his hands balled at his side. She slowly put her hand on his, a bit worried, as she said his name softly, and he turned his head towards her almost mechanically, his face completely void of emotion, his eyes like cut glass.

"You don't need me." He said, his voice expressionless. "I-I want you to need me, because _I need you,_ but, but you don't need me."

She stared at him, caught off guard. He'd said it. It was so simple. And if she hadn't been listening close she actually would have missed it. He'd said it so mindlessly, almost as if he was commenting on the bloody weather. This is what she'd been waiting for this whole time, and he'd just decided to flick it off his chest like it was nothing.

"Jackson." She whispered, her heart filling with happiness, then thought back to what he'd said and her smile disappeared from her face.

"Wait…"

She took a moment to look at him, _really_ look at him, and sucked in her breath. He looked miserable, like he was battling with something in his soul, struggling to overcome it. Seeing her dad suffer had fine tuned her senses to notice whenever others experienced pain or internal suffering, and Jackson was suffering more than she ever realized. He looked at her, his eyes glossy and green, and she almost leaned in to kiss his lips. He was scared. Yes, he had finally told her what she wanted to hear, but he was now afraid of the consequences. Because even though he had finally realized that he needed her, her telling him of everything that had happened to her must have made it seem like she didn't need him at all. She hadn't called him once, hadn't asked for his advice, hadn't gone to him just to break down and have him hold her…it hadn't been like before…

But he was wrong. He didn't know how many times she'd had to stop herself from doing those exact same things. She did need him. She could function without him, sure, half-function at least, and he could function without her as well. No matter what he thought of himself, he was much stronger than her. And whatever he did, deny his feelings, shove them under the carpet, it had worked for him, and he had gone on without six and a half months, they had gone on without the other.

She wouldn't call it living though. Surviving, maybe, but she had been leading a half dead life without him.

And all she needed to do now was let herself be vulnerable with him as well.

"I do need you, Jackson. I needed you through _everything_. But, but it didn't seem like you needed me, so I just…learned to go on. What else could I have done? You wouldn't have wanted me to fall apart and become helpless would you? Because that would be cruel."

She gave a broken smile.

" But oh God Jackson, I need you, I want you, I am not whole without you. I can function, yes, I think we both know that we can function without the other….half- function at least…we did it for so long. But do you want to? Isn't that the question?"

Her eyes glistened and the sun suddenly poured in through one of the windows in the dark locker room, illuminating them both, freeing them from the shadows.

"I don't want to." He said quietly, looking at her, his eyes tender, his mouth curving up in a lopsided smile, relief flooding through his soul.

She leaned in and captured his lips with her own, taking him by surprise a bit. He stayed motionless for a second before smiling through the kiss and deepening it, bringing his hands up to bury them in her hair.

"And April?" he whispered.

"Yeah?"

"I have something else to tell you…"

She looked at him teary eyed, and gave a wobbly smile, sniffing as she did so.

"You do?" She asked, her voice choked up.

"Yeah." He breathed out, as he stood up, taking her with him, holding her face close, kissing the tip of her nose.

She blinked up at him, looking at him for a few moments, waiting for him to speak.

But he didn't.

"Do you want to tell me, Jackson?" she asked, hopefully, her doe eyes curious.

He shook his head, swallowed, then nodded, and she laughed a bit at how adorable he was.

He smiled then, hearing her laugh, and leaned in close to her ear, caressing the side of her head, as he whispered.

"I love you."

April didn't think her heart could take it. She let her tears fall freely, crying, almost in relief, because they had finally made it.

"April?" He said pulling back a bit to look at her face, suddenly looking very very nervous.

"Do you want to…I mean, do you?"

She understood what he was asking, and gave a brilliant smile through the tears.

"Yeah, yeah I do. I love you too."

They kissed. Slowly, tenderly, lapping at each other's lips, taking all the time in the world, until Jackson broke apart and said, a bit out of breath,

"You're leaving."

April took a moment to clear the fog from her brain, wanting to pull Jackson's lips down onto hers again, but focused on what he was saying with some difficulty.

"Oh…oh Jackson…"

She closed her eyes, thinking.

"I didn't, I mean I thought I had nothing left for me here, and I wanted to be closer to my parents…"

"I know…" He said softly "I won't ask you to move back…"

"I-I want to. _You're_ here." She bit her lip. "But I also want my dad to become better…"

"That's more important," he interrupted firmly. "We'll make it work, we can…"

"Unless I have them stay with me?" She said, almost to herself. "At least until the second cycle of his chemo is over, I can keep a close watch on him if he starts treatment here and…"

Jackson smiled.

"Whatever you want April…what do you really want?" He asked, his eyes twinkling.

April stood up on her tip toes and gave him an impulsive kiss.

"I can have whatever I want?" She asked, flashing her dimple adorably as she smiled.

"Whatever you want." He whispered, stroking her cheek. "I can move for you, I _will_ move for you. Or you can move, or they can move here…what do you really want?"

**Aaand, this is where we'll leave them. I'm sure they'll be able to figure **_**that **_**one out, lol. Hope you guys liked the ending. It seems a bit rushed, I know, but I'm on vacation and if I let myself get distracted and leave this off again for yet another day, I won't ever get it done! Lol please review and tell me your thoughts! :)**


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